


Lifeline

by Beelzebubblee



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Abuse, Art, BL, Blood, BoyxBoy, Depression, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, Gaming, Gay, Help, Kenma seriously needs help, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, domestic abuse, graphic design
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:02:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28311333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beelzebubblee/pseuds/Beelzebubblee
Summary: after Kuroo went off to university, no one reminded Kenma to eat.or drink water.no one walked with him to school, so most days he stopped going.although he still kept his grades up, he lost interest in most everything else.when Kuroo and kenma got into a fight on the last day of school. Kenma started hurting himself again.he thought hed be able to control himself but it soon got out of handakaashi was trying to recover, escaping his life of abuse didn't serve well with social skills. he wasn't aware that something as small as a hug could feel so nice.when kenma and akaashi met for the first time, neither knew anything about each other. but to survive university they might have to reveal some things that they'd rather not.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi, Shimizu Kiyoko/Yachi Hitoka, its mostly Kuroken and Bokuaka tho
Comments: 7
Kudos: 61





	1. gone

the end of the year was approaching quickly  
  
today was the last day of school. the last day that Kenma and Kuroo would walk there and home together, the last time that Kenma would feel safe even with hundreds of people in close proximity.  
  
The last day that Kenma wouldn’t be alone.  
  
Kenma and Kuroo were sitting in the cafeteria, surrounded by Kuroo’s friends who were equally as loud as the spikey-haired idiot that Kenma could never get out of his head  
Kuroo had just gotten the news that he had been accepted into a prestigious university in Tokyo to pursue his passion for chemistry.  
Kenma tried to be happy. to smile, but he could barely stop himself from breaking down right there. He bit the inside of his cheek, this meant that Kuroo would be going away for a very long time. It meant that Kenma would be alone. Alone with only his own thoughts for company like the way it used to be, the way he used to feel.  
  
Empty.  
  
Isolated from the world.  
  
Simply existing without a purpose.  
  
The way it used to be wasn’t a good place to go, Kenma definitely didn’t want to relapse. it was a place of unfeeling pain and lack of self-control. It wasn’t healthy and without Kuroo there wouldn’t be anyone to pull him away from himself and all of the hidden blades scattered around his room or hot stovetop.  
The noise was too much. Kenma began to shrink into himself, surely if he became small enough, he'd be absorbed into his school blazer and disappear. away from all the loud voices and laughter invading his little bubble of serenity that usually surrounded him.  
Kenma covered his ears. it was too overwhelming, the noise. the people. the atmosphere was attacking his senses and closing in until he had no space left to breathe.  
  
Kenma gripped his Gameboy harder, knuckles and fingertips going white from the pressure, trying to suppress the urges that he’d kept at bay for so long. He could feel the anxiety building up inside him like a cluster of little explosions detonating in his abdomen.  
Kenma’s breathing became more rapid, and shallow, in the moments leading up to the hurricane that ensued inside his head, Kenma managed to slip away from the group and find a quiet corner near the back of the school to freak out in peace.  
  
Kenma’s absence wasn’t unnoticed by Kuroo though, he watched Kenma hurry away and attempted to follow, only to be pulled back by his friends who were assuring him that ‘he’ll be fine.’ Kuroo had his worries though, concerned that Kenma might relapse, go back to the place he was in in middle school, but he harboured those thoughts and turned back to his friends.  
  
In seconds Kenma had crumbled down into a shaking mess, breathing heavily, and struggling to get air onto his lungs through unsteady breaths. It burned. But it was a good feeling. A familiar feeling.  
The air surrounding Kenma seemed to disappear. It was like paper-thin walls were engulfing Kenma’s space and blocking out the oxygen, if he tried, Kenma could probably break free. but tears were now clouding his vision and hands could do nothing but curl in and out of tight fists. Digging his sharp nails into the palms of his small hands, Kenma let the tears that had been building up over the last half our flow out of him in steady streams, soaking his face and sleeves.  
Kenma buried his face in his arms, curling up as tight as he could, blocking out light and all of his other senses.  
  
The barrier to the outside world that began as paper-thin, quickly grew into thick concrete, nothing would be able to escape it. Definitely not Kenma.  
  
Suddenly he felt a tapping on his shoulder, rhythmic and familiar  
the pattern that Kuroo would use when Kenma got panic attacks much more frequently back in middle school, repeating over and over until Kenma came back to his senses enough to realise that it really was Kuroo crouched next to him, concern laced on his face.  
  
One of Kuroo’s hands was tapping rhythmically on various parts of Kenma’s body, a recognizable and calming action that drastically helped in Kenma’s struggle to get air into his lungs.  
A couple of deep breaths later, Kenma was able to breath somewhat normally  
“Kenma?” Kuroo slowed his tapping and moved his other hand to cup Kenma’s wet cheek and tenderly lift his face up to see his tear stricken face, water still dribbling down his cheeks “Kenma please look at me”  
Kenma looked away. Ashamed  
  
“you're okay, it's okay. you were doing really well, I’m so proud of you”  
  
Kenma only nodded and buried his head back into his arms as more tears found their way into his red eyes  
  
“that’s okay. take all the time you need” Kuroo shifted so that he could wrap his arms around Kenma and rest his chin on his shoulder.  
  
He’s such a pretty crier  
Kuroo couldn’t help but think  
Ever since middle school, Kuroo had found Kenma intriguing, he truly adored the small, introverted little pudding head that was Kozume Kenma, although Kuroo had met him while Kenma was in an extremely dark place, with new cuts and burns adorning his perfect skin almost every day, Kuroo was glad that they met, he was glad that he’d been able to help and would most certainly do it all over again keep his kitten in this world as long as possible.  
  
Kuroo was certain that Kenma had a bright future, but making him realise that was hard, especially when Kenma was convinced that none of them really had a purpose in the world.  
‘Such a pessimist’ Kuroo would say  
‘and always will be’ was Kenma’s snarky reply  
  
Kenma lifted his head slightly, still looking at the ground between his arms and spoke quietly "shouldn’t you be getting back to your friends now? I’m okay, they’re more important than me anyways” Kenma's angelic (according to Kuroo) voice spoke lightly and looked up at Kuroo, almost as if he was afraid that he would talk too loudly and it’d trigger another panic attack, a silent tear still rolling down his face  
  
‘Kenma what on earth makes you say that” Kuroo was genuinely offended that his best friend would say such a thing  
  
“I can see how much happier you are when you’re around them compared to me” Kenma averted his eyes once again, turning his attention to a rock on the ground  
  
How long has this been his mindset?? Why would he think that? how do I tell him how much he means to me without seeming really gay? Kuroos mind raced  
  
“Kenma- “Kuroo began  
  
“no its okay. I get it” Kenma cut him off  
  
Kuroo tightened his grip around his best friend “no. I think you’re the one who definitely doesn’t understand.” Kenma opened his mouth but closed it again when Kuroo brushed a hair out of Kenma's face and tilted his head back towards him, light blush spreading across his cheeks at this movement.  
  
Pretty  
  
“do you even realise how much you mean to me? How important you are to me?”  
  
“I know you’re a nerd and all, but I don’t think you quite understand the definition of the word important, Kuroo.” Kenma said blankly  
  
“Kenma how long have you thought this?”  
  
“a while. Why? Is it not true?” Kenma gazed back at Kuroo hopeful, nibbling on his bottom lip in anticipation  
He’s gotta stop that if I’m supposed to think straight right now  
Kuroo blushed  
  
“Kenma” he chuckled slightly with a sad sigh, like the kind that a caring adult would use when a small child doesn’t quite understand something “you know how a gear only really has a purpose and can get its job done when used with another gear? One can’t complete its function without assistance from another and vice versa.” Kenma nodded  
“well, that’s how we work, together, and we don’t work without the other… do you- do you understand now?” Kuroo exhaled hastily and scratched at the back of his neck, the anticipation building up in his stomach about to erupt.  
  
“wow” Kenma began “I can’t believe you just called me a gear” Kenma replied, rolling his eyes. Kuroo’s face contorted in scared realisation, stuttering out a “wait no-“ and a “that’s not what I before being tackled into an apologetic and surprisingly enthusiastic hug by Kenma  
  
“you’re such an idiot” Kenma mumbled into Kuroo’s neck, making him shiver slightly and tighten his grip around Kenma's waist  
  
“so you do get it” Kuroo relaxed as Kenma smiled into his shoulder  
  
“yeah… t-thankyou” Kenma pulled away slightly to look at Kuroo fully, moving his hands to rest on the taller males neck “I really needed that.”  
  
“I'm only glad I could help” Kuroo smiled softly, reassuringly.  
  
Kenma smiled, glad that Kuroo was in his life and was still willing to help him even after all the time they’d spent together. Glad that Kuroo hadn’t gotten sick of him and left him like his father or shunned him away like his mother.  
That smile lasted barely a millisecond.  
  
With oxygen back in his lungs and all of his senses working again, Kenma had a clear mind, which only resulted in muddy thoughts filling it up. Soon he wouldn’t have this. He wouldn’t have his lifeline. No one to help him. No one to prevent him from giving into those all to familiar concrete walls that sucked air from his lungs and brought tears to his eyes. No one to compel him to break free of the spiralling feeling that he'd managed to keep away for so long all because of Kuroo.  
  
But now he was leaving. He'd be gone. Everything would go back to the way it was before. And its already been established that that wasn’t ideal.  
Kenma had to remind himself that Kuroo had a life too, that Kuroo had a bright future– more promising a future than Kenma could ever hope for- and needed to follow his dreams.  
Still Kenma wasn’t happy that Kuroo was leaving, although he'd never say that. simply smiling through his lies and assuring Kuroo that this opportunity and that he'd be okay.  
He'd be okay  
  
Kenma's mind raced once again. His lips quivered, biting the inside of his cheek to block out the tears that were already threatening to fall from his eyes.  
  
“Kenma” Kuroo said softly, “Kenma what’s wrong? Please talk to me” Kuroo had nothing but concern in his eyes  
  
“I… no its okay. I don’t want to burden you with my problem” Kenma turned his head away, only for it to be gently nudged back by one of Kuroo's large hands now resting on his cheek.  
  
“Kenma. Kitten. I want you to talk to me, you know what happened the last time you didn’t” Kuroo was staring solemnly at Kenma's face  
Why do you hurt yourself so?  
  
“its not like you can fix it. This is my own problem. I don’t need you to remedy everything for me, I'm not your responsibility, I can take care of myself” Kenma mumbled much to bitterly.  
Even Kenma knew that was a lie. Kuroo flinched at his words, letting his hand drop from Kenma's face.  
Kenma regretted everything the moment the words had escaped his mouth.  
  
It was too late now.  
  
“Kuroo wait- I didn't”  
  
Kenma stuttered an apology but Kuroo was already preparing to leave, he knew that he shouldn’t abandon Kenma in this state, but those words had hurt Kuroo more than he'd like to admit.  
Kenma watched as his (probably former) best friend stood up, angling himself so that Kenma couldn’t see his face, couldn’t tell his expression as he muttered half-heartedly  
  
“goodbye, Kozume.”  
  
Kenma sat there for another couple of minutes, feeling more numb than ever before as hot, empty tears dribbled from his eyes.  
He didn't want to  
But the urge was too much.  


* * *

Kenma found himself in a bathroom stall, slipping off his shoe and sliding out the sole to reveal a pencil sharpener blade that he kept there for… emergencies.  
Wasting no time, he bit his lip and dragged the blunt blade across his wrist. Ignoring all of the healed scars, gliding over them. they were old. They couldn’t bring Kenma any relief, even scratching at them now was no different to scratching at unmarked skin.  
Not sharp enough. That fine.  
  
He pressed harder, maybe too hard, piercing deep into his arm. Kenma watched as his skin split open, mesmerised as countless pin-sized dots of blood grew and pooled around the cut before dripping down his arm and onto the cold tiles in between his feet.  
It stung, but only barely. Kenma was used to the recognizable sensation, the sharp pain lasted for hardly a millisecond before mellowing out and dripping away, he needed more for it to have any effect.  
Kenma lost count of the red lines that now tainted his skin, it was a familiar image that finally brought some relief to Kenma's mind.  
  
Finally.  
  
he didn't have Kuroo but that was okay, he had other coping mechanisms that worked a treat.  
Kenma continued, cuts getting deeper and deeper as he moved his way down his arm. He mustn’t’ve realised how deep they were becoming, as the blade grew duller Kenma only pressed harder  
Suddenly, the lunch bell blared through the school, pulling Kenma away from his trance-like state, he stared at the subjective masterpiece he’d created before feeling a fuzzy sensation bubble up from the back of his head. Kenma's eyes began to glaze over.  
  
Kenma didn't even have time to pull his sleeve down before slumping onto the cold tiles, he curled into himself and blinked slowly.  
  
Maybe if I just take a short nap…  
  
Kenma woke up 3 days later in a hospital bed  
Was already in Tokyo when he got the news.  
  
For the second time in his life, Kuroo was scared that Kenma might not make it to the end of high school.


	2. escape

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Akaashi wasn't entirely convinced that they were here to save him. his father had done this type of thing before, given him false hope and convinced akaashi that he was the good guy. that Akaashi would be better off with him anyway.  
> Akaashi still had hope though, he wouldn't give up.  
> not until his dying breath would he let that monster win.

The memory from that night flooded Akaashi’s mind, similar to the way that water would rush into a sinking ship. The images flashing through his head were much too vivid as Akaashi recalled the events that left him, a mere child, scarred and broken.  
  
Akaashi's mother had left that night. After suffering through so much of his father’s torment she finally gave in. leaving Akaashi alone with his father.  
  
Leaving him with an abusive drunk.  
  
What on earth was she thinking?  
  
Akaashi didn't like blaming her, he wanted to think the best of his mother. After all his only happy childhood memories stemmed around her, her calming smiling face, her gentle reassurances, and warm hugs. behaviours which were completely opposed by his father  
When she left there was no one standing in the way of the monster. The monster who never wanted a child and who took it out on the nearest person – or in his eyes, object - that he could find.  
Akaashi didn't have any siblings, no close family that could provide some form of safety. So, he accepted it. He didn't want to. But what else was a 9-year-old to do when all their life they’d been told to obey their elders than do just that?  
  
Akaashi was a sheltered child to say the least, his father ensured that he had little to no access to the outside world in his young ages, being homeschooled up until middle school and attending the worst possible high school possible.  
  
So it wasn’t a surprise when his report card for his last semester of his second year of high school came back less than adequate.

  


A sharp slap across his cheek cut Akaashi's thoughts short. The familiar sting spread across his face as a red hand like mark situated itself there, the sting an all too familiar sensation, probably the most common occurrence in his broken household.  
  
“fucking worthless” his father spat. Distain thick on his tongue as he took a handful of Akaashi’s hair and shoved him onto the hard tile.  
  
No matter how Akaashi tried he would never be able to fight back, being easily physically and mentally overpowered by the man standing above him.  
Akaashi whimpered, curling in on himself as he was grabbed by the hair for the umpteenth time that week.  
His father forced him up and dragged Akaashi behind him, leading him towards the bedroom.  
  
fuck  
  
Akaashi's struggle against his father’s death grip intensified immensely, clawing and scratching at the large hands that roughly pulled him along the narrow hallway.  
Akaashi kicked, screamed, made as much noise as he possibly could before his father slapped a hand over his already aching face and kicked open the door.  
  
He took a knot of rope from under the bed and Akaashi shuddered  
Not this again  
  
“father. Father don’t do this pleas-“ Akaashi’s pleas were cut short as a tight fist collided with this stomach, causing him to gasp and stumble backwards, falling with a thud against the wall as scorching pain erupted from the impact point.  
Akaashi chocked out a mix of blood and saliva as he struggled to get air into his lungs before his father pulled him up once again, this time by the forearm, and threw him against the bed, old springs squeaking even under his feeble weight.  
Akaashi attempted to shuffle away and sprint for the door but was caught short and thrown back onto the bed with much a louder thump as the back of his head struck the headboard, a deafening cry of distress and desperation filling the room.  
Akaashi felt his head go fuzzy, vision more blurry than usual as hot tears spilled freely from his eyes.  
  
“quit your fucking wining” Akaashi's father pinned him against the bed and forced his arms behind his back as he tied the rope firmly around Akaashi's wrists, scratching into his skin and definitely cutting off his circulation.  
Akaashi's voice was raspy, struggling to get any air into his lungs as he wheezed in need of oxygen and water.  
Akaashi's malnourished figure could barely put up much more of a fight, he was teetering on the verge of consciousness when a loud banging thumped at the door  
  
“POLICE, OPEN UP.”  
Alarm and fear flashed through his father’s eyes “ill be right there!” he yelled, apprehension clear in his voice.  
Akaashi could barely think straight but had enough sense to fake unconsciousness as his father clumsily fell off the bed, finding his belt and doing up the top buttons of his shirt in hasty panic.  
  
“don’t you fucking dare say or do anything” he whisper yelled to Akaashi who continued lying dormant, still with his arms twisted uncomfortably behind his back and breathing unsteady.  
  
Akaashi heard the front door open slowly  
  
“oh hello officers! What brings you two here to my humble abode on such a fine day” the cheeriness in his voice made Akaashi sick  
Just a little longer  
  
“well, we’ve had multiple noise complaint s about your apartment, supposed screaming, yelling, and banging? Do you know happen to know anything about this sir?” the officer who spoke had a very feminine voice  
  
“no I don’t-“  
  
“HELP. PLEASE HELP ME” Akaashi screamed, voice hoarse yet loud, it rang through the apartment  
God please tell me someone heard that  
  
“please somebody help me” his voice was quieter this time, he was lacking the energy to even stay awake right now, acting on adrenaline alone.  
  
“sir I'm going to need you to step aside” a deeper voice stated sternly  
  
“o-oh-uh t- that’s not necessary, that’s j-just my uh overdramatic son yes, he-“  
  
“PLEASE. Help me” his voice was barely louder than a whisper scream, but it seemed to carry far enough for the officers to take action.  
  
“sir turn around and face the wall” the man half-shouted assertively  
  
Akaashi heard footsteps approach the bedroom door  
  
“hello? Please. Please help me” he sobbed, barely able to breathe, wrists raw and pink from struggling against the restraints and body numb.  
Akaashi could barely move his head to see a open the door hastily, and a figure walk in slowly with their gun drawn.  
Akaashi flinched, unaware that the figure was not his father and whimpered  
“no please, please don’t hurt me” voice merely a whisper, tears continue slipping out of his heavily lidded eyes.  
“holy shit” the same female sounding voice that he'd heard earlier rushed to his side, quickly untying his hands and putting him in the recovery position. She was incredibly gentle, maybe scared that Akashi would snap in half as easily as a twig - which he probably would. it a nice and very welcome change.  
  
“please help me.” Akaashi was on the verge of slipping into unconsciousness when the nice-looking lady gently brushed hair from his eyes and assured him that he would be okay.  
She talked into her walkie talkie, subtle alarm and panic lacing the words very quickly coming out of her mouth. Akaashi thought he heard the word ambulance said, but he was struggling to hold onto his grip on reality, so it was really anyone’s guess, light-headedness was increasing and it all started slipping away slowly despite his best efforts.  
  
“fuck, jones I need your help, we've gotta get him to a hospital right now”  
Akaashi heard some more footsteps before slipping further into his own mind.

  


The blaring wail of ambulance sirens filled Akaashi's ears. He tried to open his eyes yet to no avail, no sound would come out when he attempted to speak either.  
What…. what’s happening to me?  
  
everything was fading in and out, Akaashi was slipping, unaware of the danger waiting for him at the hospital.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so that just happened  
> told ya it wouldn't be happy  
> anyway if anyone's confused Kenma and Akaashis stories will be separate for a little while until they meet, but the timeline is the same and its all part of one story


	3. Flashback

A person will die if 40% of their blood is lost.

As he lay on the bathroom floor, Kenma lost 32% of his blood.  
He wasn’t found until the end of the school day.   
Kenma was alone with only himself and a blunt sharpener blade for company.   
He was alone for almost 2 hours.  
2 hours.

Kuroo sat on the cold, bare floor of his new apartment, barren walls and unopened boxes surrounding him. Suffocating him.   
He'd been there all of an hour and already wanted to go home, go back to Kenma.  
Sheets were still folded neatly beside him as Kuroo frantically googled everything there was to know about the effects of self-harm on the human body. what it could do to one’s mental and physical health. how much blood they'd need to lose to… he didn't even want to think of it.

You could’ve saved him  
It had been two days since Kenma had fallen asleep in the bathroom stall.

Two days since Kuroo acted like a petty bastard and hurt Kenma probably more than he was able to hurt himself.  
That didn't mean he didn't try though.

Kuroo felt nothing but regret, brain racing and playing out all of the scenarios of what he should’ve done, but didn't.  
Why didn't he go back, apologise, he should’ve known better  
He was powerless to the overwhelming thoughts spreading throughout his mind 

None of this would’ve happened if you’d just used your brain for once  
It happened before why did you-  
Kuroo got a sudden wave of de ja vu  
No, not de ja vu. This exact situation had occurred before   
The tabs open on his laptop  
The notes messily scribbled on a random piece of paper by his side  
Tears clouding his vision as he struggled to keep them at bay  
Even the way he was sitting.

-2 years earlier-

“Kenmaa! I brought you those disgusting snacks you love so mu-“

Kuroo stopped dead in his tracks, his brain stuttered for a moment as he let the bags of groceries slip out of his hands.

“k-Kenma what are you doing?”  
Kenma paused, eyes widening when they made contact with Kuroo's, panic flashing through his features.  
Kenma was sitting against his bed on the floor, his bottle of anti-depressants in one hand and the other frozen, halfway up to his partially open mouth. Bottle of water tucked in his elbow.  
Not to mention his wrists. Kuroo watched as blood slowly oozed out of the multiple deep cuts adorning Kenma's skin.

There was an empty pill bottle on the floor in front of him, a couple of pills scattered across the carpet that now had two small crimson pools soaking into it.  
Kuroo's body acted faster than his brain could process, leaping forward and swatting the pills out of Kenma's hands.  
Kenma was still in a shocked state, his eyes were glazing over while he stared at nothing in particular. Barely noticing when Kuroo slapped his cheeks before holding his face and watching his eyes focus and un focus.  
Kenma's lips quivered, adorned with the tinge of a purplish-blue colour, contrasting with his bone white skin. Breathing shakily and shallow.

“Kuroo I'm- I'm sorry” Kenma slumped back further into the bed. His hands shook uncontrollably.

“shit shit shit” Kuroo cursed. With surprising ease, he picked Kenma up, whose body was already beginning to convulse and shake slightly, with a little bit foam bubbling out of his mouth as Kuroo dialled 911  
Kenma could barely focus his eyes  
Kuroo lay him down on another section of carpet that wasn’t strewn with pills and ensured that he was still breathing, which was shallow and hasty/ but at least it was something. a wordless yet desperate call for help escaped Kenma's mouth as he chocked out something somewhere between a sob and an apology, Kuroo dreaded what might happen if Kenma stopped breathing before the ambulance got here.

“hello? 911 what is your emergency”  
“yes hi! hello oh my god please help me” Kuroo startled, he could barely speak through uneven breaths and tears still not so silently spilling out of his eyes

Kenma lay there, regretting his thoughtless decisions as blood slowly oozed out of his forearms and foam dribbled out of his mouth.

“sir I need you to calm down, take a few deep breaths” the nice operator said patiently yet sternly. Kuroo did as he was told, steadying his breathing.

“I need an ambulance at (insert address here). My- my friend tried to commit s- suicide and I don’t.. I don’t know what to do” Kuroo held his tears back. 

Now isn’t the time for this Kuroo.   
You needed to be strong. Get yourself together

“okay an ambulance is on its way, how did your friend try to commit suicide?” the lady said it so casually Kuroo wondered how many of these types of calls she would get daily.

Now isn’t the time to speculate other people’s lives Kuroo what the fuck

“pills. He- He’s got a half empty bottle of anti-depressants and something else, I don’t know what though I'm sorry”  
All this time Kuroo was checking Kenma's pulse, his breathing. All of his vitals were there but only barely.

“that’s fine, we don’t need specifics right now. You need to give him cpr, can you do that? ”

“yes. Yes I can do that’’

The next couple of minutes passed in a daze. At some point Kuroo had heard the wail of the ambulance sirens grow louder and louder as it pulled up in front of Kenma's house. Overwhelming his already jumbled up brain and causing the deafening throb to strengthen and swell inside his head.  
Kuroo didn't quite remember how, but Kenma was suddenly lying ominously on an orange stretcher, surrounded by strange men and women in green uniforms.  
All of a sudden a woman in the same uniform walked up to Kuroo, breaking him out of his daze by gently tapping his shoulder

“yes hi- um excuse me Ill get out of the way you look like you’ve gotten it uh under control” he stammered, unsure of how he should be acting

“oh my, honey are you okay?” the woman looked at Kuroo with a concerned smile  
Kuroo brought his hand up to his face, not so surprisingly he feet his cheeks were wet with steadily flowing tears. Kuroo rubbed his nose with the back of his hand and sniffed, trying to prevent his eyes from emptying out completely.  
The kind woman rubbed reassuring circles into his back as the ambulance drove off, Kuroo looked at her, confused.  
“aren’t you two supposed to be going with the ambulance?” he looked at a man in a blue uniform with crossed arms standing a couple meters away.

“well we need to find out what your friend has taken so that the doctors can treat him properly, would you be able to tell me where those pill bottles were that he used?” Kuroo only nodded, leading them inside.

“I'm assuming there isn’t anyone else in the house?’ the man speculated. Kuroo nodded again, pushing open Kenma's bedroom door. He took one look and instantly wanted to throw up, averting his gaze and staying outside.

I thought he was getting better

What did I do wrong

Line break

This time Kuroo knew exactly what he did wrong. He knew exactly why.

Its all your fault. It’s all your fucking fault

Kuroo pressed his head into his hands, letting his tears soak the sleeves of his sweater.

Back in middle school when Kenma had tried he'd been there, he'd been there to stop him. To help him.  
But now he was more than 200 miles away.  
If he left now, he could be there in 4 hours, hopefully before Kenma woke up. But he barely had enough money left to buy himself dinner, let alone a train ticket back to Miyagi.

God please wake up  
Its not like Kuroo had school or anything. That wouldn’t start for 2 months, he'd only gone to Tokyo early- much to Kenma's protest- because he found a job as a lab assistant and didn't want to pass up the opportunity or experience.

Kuroo's thoughts were cut off when a key rattled outside the door and it burst open accompanied by an obnoxiously loud “HEY HEY HEY!!”  
Kuroo glanced up at the figure who’d interrupted his thoughts and saw a blurry figure, he was wearing sweatpants and a bright purple hoodie, white and black hair and was carrying a large box that almost went above his eyeline.

He put his box down clumsily, almost definitely breaking something “oh hey! You must be my new roommate! I'm Bokuto…” he trailed off upon seeing Kuroo's state. “holy shit dude you good?? Well clearly not that’s a dumb question ” Bokuto spoke much quieter this time and scratched the back of his neck.

“fuck sorry. Ill- ill go to my room” Kuroo went to sit up and grab his laptop only to see the other mans owl like face considerably closer than before. Bokuto put a hand on Kuroo's shoulder, concern evident from his extremely expressive features

“bro there’s nothing to apologise for, do you wanna talk about it? I have pizza”

An hour and two pizzas later the two were sitting against moving boxes and talking about anything and everything. Kuroo had mostly forgotten about the Kenma situation even though it persisted in scratching at the back of his mind, he was no longer checking his phone every two seconds to check if the hospital or anyone called.  
Bokuto and Kuroo were exchanging various stories of their individual idiocy and laughing like old buddies. Bokuto was such a contrast to Kenma, he was much more like him and they got along wonderfully.

The room fell into a comfortable silence until Bokuto abruptly looked at Kuroo, much more calmly and with that concerned expression again adorning his features “hey is you don’t mind me asking… why were you crying when I walked in earlier?” he glanced away in either embarrassment or discomfort upon bring up the subject.

“do you really wanna know?” Kuroo's expression flattened and grew downcast as he fiddled with the hem of his shirt.

“I mean yeah, I wanna help ya know? If were gonna be living together for god knows how long I think we should be open. If you're comfortable with that of course, I don’t wanna be too pushy or anything” Bokuto looked back at Kuroo, looking a lot like a curious owl.

“well… my best friend tried to” he could barely get any words out. He took a deep breath and held back the tears once again “my best friend tried to commit suicide” he breathed out before rubbing a hand over his trembling lips as he looked up a the ceiling in a fleeting attempt to prevent the water threatening to fall out of his eyes once again from doing so.

“holy fuck” was the only reply Bokuto could manage to get out

“he’s in the hospital right now. Still hasn’t woken up.”  
“holy fuck” Bokuto could barely process anything at that point

“and even better I don’t have enough money to get back home so I cant go see him.” Kuroo paused “shit sorry man I didn't man to go all emo on you there”

Bokuto only shook his head and completely dismissed Kuroo’s apology, pulling out his phone to look something up.

Kuroo was curious as to what he was doing, even more so when Bokuto pulled out his wallet and took out out a wad of cash.

“what-what’s this??” Kuroo questioned as Bokuto put it in Kuroo’s reluctant hand

“It's enough to get you to Miyagi and back. I can't do much to help emotionally or mentally so this is the best I can do”

It wasn’t much but it meant more to Kuroo then Bokuto could ever understand  
“why are you giving this to me?”

“so that you can go see your boyfriend, of course” Kuroo knew that Bokuto was just playing around, although reflecting on the way he talked about Kenma he wouldn’t be surprised if they sounded like a couple. but hearing Kenma mentioned in that context both warmed and broke Kuroo's heart a little.

“I… I don’t know what to say, I mean. How do you even trust me? For all you know I could be lying about this whole thing” Kuroo stammered, still a little dumbfounded at Bokuto’s unwavering trust and generosity.

“dude, first of all, its not a lot of money. Second of all, were friends!!! And friends help each other! So I'm only doing my rightful duty” Bokuto was so bright Kuroo might actually go blind  
“wow. Friends. I like the sound of that. seriously tho bro thankyou so much this means a lot” Kuroo smiled a very genuine smile whilst Bokuto wasted no time at all in jumping up and excitedly pulling Kuroo along with him.

“cmon bro!! we better get going now if you're gonna make the next train. Pack your bag real quick I'm driving!!” Bokuto seemed even more excited than Kuroo which was quite the reflection on his tremendously upbeat personality.   
Kuroo wasted no time in stuffing his laptop and a spare change of clothes into his backpack before rushing out the door and sprinting to catch up to Bokuto, not before locking the door behind him, of course.

\---  
“I don’t think we needed to sprint all the way bro” Kuroo exhaled loudly, panting heavily as he leaned against a pillar on the deserted train platform.  
“no regrets” Bokuto wheezed as he collapsed against the pillar across from Kuroo.  
It was currently 1:06. The next train to Miyagi left at 1:40. in 34 minutes.

The two ended up talking about everything and nothing at all once again, until somehow the topic was switched not so subtly to Kenma by the very curious Bokuto.  
“so you're JUST friends?” from how Kuroo ranted about how perfect Kenma was Bokuto was more than sceptical.

“its just… its just complicated right now okay!! Back off”   
Bokuto chuckled “I can tell you like him dude. You're painfully obvious”  
“oh hey look is that the train lemme go jump in front of it real quick”

\--

Kuroo all but sprinted to the hospital and skidded into Kenma's room. The whole hospital reeked of death and it was bone chillingly cold. far too cold.

It was 5 in the morning and Kenma was lying peacefully on the ghost white sheets, he still hand t woken up. Itd been almost 3 days and he still hadn’t woken up.

Kuroo took one of Kenma's hands in his, they were skinnier than before and paler, with bandages wrapping all the way up his arm.

Kuroo failed in holding back his tears any longer. So he cried, sobbed, called out for Kenma in desperate pleas to be met with no reaction.

God please wake up

**Author's Note:**

> hey hey heyy :D  
> this was sad i know.  
> it probably won't get better for a while lol  
> not until I get better at least


End file.
